Written, directed, and produced by David Meadows


(We fade in on the five members of DEEP PURPLE -- that's currently IAN, BIG IAN, ROGER, JON, and THE VILLAIN IN BLACK (TVIB) -- in the dressing room, backstage at the ROYAL ALBERT HALL. They are all nervous. JON is pacing up and down, IAN is tapping his drumsticks, BIG IAN is scribbling lyrics on a piece of paper, ROGER is doodling. TVIB is the only one sitting calmly: nerves of steel.)

JON: I want to thank you guys for helping me out with this.

ROGER: You thanked us twelve hundred times already, Jon.

BIG IAN (mumbling): How shall I know when to start singing my song?

JON: Yeah, but it means a lot to me. Especially you, Ritchie. I know you were opposed to this.

TVIB: You know I want what's best for the band.

BIG IAN (mumbling): What shall I do if it all goes wrong?

ROGER: Ian, mate, how are the lyrics coming on?

BIG IAN: Complete blank, mate. Haven't got a clue.

JON: Whaaaat? We go on in ten minutes guys! This is a crisis!

BIG IAN: Shhh. I need peace in my heart to summon the mood.

ROGER: You let Ian worry about the lyrics, Jon. You concentrate on the music. I have a feeling the orchestra will be hostile.

(At that moment, THE CONDUCTOR enters.)

CONDUCTOR: Hostile orchestra? Nonsense! The Royal Phil is behind this 100%. They know we'll be making history tonight. Jon, my boy, you have nothing to worry about.

(Unnoticed by the others, TVIB slips out.)


(TVIB is by the stage door as a man walks up with a violin under his arm -- it's a member of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra. The violinist is all smiles.)

VIOLINIST: Hello there!

TVIB: Hello! It's great to be working with the LSO like this!


TVIB: Yes, Jon was worried that we would get a second rate orchestra -- I think he said "my greatest fear is getting the RPO" ... ha ha!

VIOLINIST: Oh, he did, did he?

TVIB: Yes, he was telling me the LSO is the best in the world!

VIOLINIST: Oh, he was, was he?

(The VIOLINIST is no longer smiling. He pushes past TVIB and into the hall. After a short pause, two men with flutes approach.)

1ST FLAUTIST: Hello! We're so happy to be part of this!

TVIB: Oh... the flute section? You didn't get the message?

2ND FLAUTIST: Er... no?

TVIB: It's just that, well, Jon thought one of you would be staying at home. To keep the volume down. He's not keen on the sound of flutes.

1ST FLAUTIST: Oh, really? We'll have something to say about that!

(Both storm on into the hall. TVIB sees a man approaching with a trumpet.)

TVIB: Wow, so glad to meet you at last! I've admired your playing for some time!

TRUMPET MAN (pleased): Why thank you!

TVIB: Yes, I don't know what Jon was talking about when he said you were... what was it? "Just barely adequate".

TRUMPET MAN: He said that?

TVIB: Oh, don't take it personally. He's just...

(The trumpet player stomps past TVIB, into the hall.)

TVIB: Was it something I said?

(A woman with a cello approaches.)

CELLIST: I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward--

TVIB: Oh dear, Jon didn't know there would be women in the orchestra!

CELLIST: Is there some problem?

TVIB: Well you see, Jon has this reputation...

(TVIB whispers in her ear. She blushes furiously as we FADE OUT.)


(Deep Purple, with the CONDUCTOR, are about to walk out on stage.)

JON: I can't go through with it! I'm not worthy! How can I walk on in front of all those great musicians?

THE CONDUCTOR: Deep breaths, my boy! Everyone on that stage has the greatest respect for you. That's what music is all about: respect! Now lets go out, and make me proud!

(They walk on stage. JON looks at the orchestra. The orchestra look at him. And if looks could kill, JON would be a smoking cinder on the floor right about now. You've never seen such angry, hostile faces. JON goes white.)

TVIB (with great enthusiasm): Well come on then! Let's get the show on the road! Muahahahahahahahahahaha


Episode 9