EPISODE THREE: "ROUNDABOUT (half past four)"

Written, directed, and produced by David Meadows


(It's a recording studio, and as we fade in on ROD, NICK, JON, IAN, and THE VILLAIN IN BLACK (TVIB), they are in mid-song. The studio clock shows 4:15.)


When you were a young girl
Did you have a stalker
That always followed you...

(The music crashes to a stop.)

TVIB: What was that?

ROD: Er, ya know, I thought I could try...

TVIB: *I* think, *you* sing. Ok. Again. From the chorus.

(The music picks up again.)

ROD SINGING: Do I love you, my oh my
Mountain Deep, River High, yeah, yeah... oh... bollocks...

(The music halts again.)

ROD: Sorry chaps. I'll nail it this time.

TVIB: We'll stay here until you get it right. Again!

(The music starts again. We now have an artistic montage showing the band playing, sweat beading on ROD's forehead, cut with views of the rehearsal room clock, with the hands advancing to show time passing: 4:20, 4:25, 4:27... the pressure is getting to them!)


Cos it gets stronger as the river flows
It gets deeper baby, right up my nose

(TVIB suddenly stops playing, takes his guitar, and repeatedly smashes it on the floor in anger.)

JON: Steady on, mate! If you behave like that on stage the fans will hate it.

(TVIB points at ROD)

TVIB: Your voice is all wrong for the sound of this group. Can't you sing like Robert Plant?

ROD: That ponce? 'E don't sing, 'e just screams. What d'ya want a singer who screams for? Who's gonna want to listen to that? And did ya 'ear that new song 'e was rehearsing the other day?


There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven

ROD: Pathetic! Who's gonna remember that in thirty years' time? Not like this classic wot I wrote:


I'm so glad
I'm so glad
So glad glad glad
I'm so glad
I'm so glad
So glad glad glad...

(TVIB glares. ROD shuts up.)

ROD: Er, yeah well... blimey is that the time? I gotta meet me groupie for tiffin. Ta-ta chaps.

(He exits. There is a long silence in the studio.)

TVIB: He's got to go.

JON: Oh come on, Rich. You can't just change line-ups all the time. What do you think this is, some kind of roundabout?

NICK: Yeah man, we have to stick together. I mean, who's next? Me? Ha ha ha... ha...... ha?

(TVIB just looks at him with *that* look. NICK gulps.)

JON: Well, let's just break it to him gently, hey Rich?

(At that moment, ROD comes back in.)

ROD: 'Ello chaps. Forgot me coat... 'ey, why all so serious?

TVIB: Rod, you're crap and you're fired.

ROD: Whaaaa? Ok, fine. Is that how it is? Well listen guys, I'm the singer so I'm more important than any guitar player. Who ever has guitar players as 'eroes? I don't need any of ya. Why, I bet I could form me own version of Deep Purple and just blow you guys off the map. In fact... I will! So long, losers! Ha!

(ROD exits, slamming the door.)

TVIB: I think that went rather well... muahahahahahaha...

(Fade out.)

Episode 4